One of the things that as the years progressed within the movement, that not only puzzled me but disturbed me was this religions’ obsession will “killing the self”. Really all the fingers have to be pointed on the teachings of Paul when it comes to this psychological self mutilation and its effects on his follower, that is, of course, you are in leadership. It is almost impossible not to have a sense of “I know, I know…I know I should not think this but yes, it is all about me”. You can see this in the way that these self proclaimed idiots are advertised. The term “Mightily used by God” really means “I am really bloody good” and all the other spin that they spin to enhance the profile of the preacher.
So my problem had a two fold question to it…
1) If God loves us so much that he accepts us as we are, then why after we accept him, does he go about destroying you and replacing you with a copy of his son, Jesus?
2) Why does he have to have the credit for everything that we do, thus making us nothing more than puppets that he moves around at will?
I worked out near the end that this belief system was trying to kill me…not in the physical sense but in the psychological sense. I was not allowed to take any credit for anything good I had done or anything good that happened to me. What was the point of me existing or doing anything? It was not making sense, in fact it did not make any sense for years but it was not for me to question, this was a “faith” journey but as the years passed, the more it nagged at me.
So in a sense the entry into this belief system is fraudulent. The potential new cult member is told that God loves them, yes they are a sinner but he will accept them as they are and then he will go through the process after of “cleansing” you. What you are not told is the price of this “salvation” which is your very soul and from the moment you are “born again” into this madhouse, those above you begin the process of “erasing” the “sin” in you a.k.a. wiping your sense of individuality and sense of self out of you because in their eyes and the teachings of Paul…the person that is you is EVIL and the only person worthy to be living in that “sin ridden” body of your is Jesus via the Holy Spirit. The more I think about it, the closer to the brainwashing techniques of the much maligned cults it becomes.
I now put it all down to an “invasion of the mind”. There you are minding your own business and trying to do the best with the life you have been given with all it’s complications and trials to have someone come up to you and tell you that:
1) God loves you
2) You have sinned aka you are scum and deserve to burn
3) You cannot save yourself because you are scum
4) You are going to hell if you don’t repent (change your state of mind to his state of mind)
5) You MUST accept Jesus as your saviour or go to hell when you die
If you are stupid, like me, enough to accept the offer then the terms and conditions expand from then on:
1) You MUST attend church or you will lose your faith and go to hell.
2) You MUST read (program yourself) the bible daily.
3) You MUST repent of all sin done since your conversion or else God won’t hear your prayers.
4) You MUST give in to the work of the Holy Spirit in getting you out of you and Jesus into you.
5) You MUST not question your leaders as God put them over you to save you from “yourself” and by doing so keeps the devil from snatching you back into hell.
6) You must become more and more like Jesus and not like you. He must increase; you must decrease.
7) You will continue this process until the day you die as whatever YOU do is NEVER enough.
Classic sayings that cement this destruction of the self:
1) If he is not lord of all then he is not lord at all
2) Let go; Let God
3) Yield to the Holy Spirit
4) Lay your self on the altar of God as a offering to him
5) The reason you are struggling is that you have not let God take 100% control
6) I surrender all
7) Let my flesh life melt away
8) Less of me and more of you
9) Everything you do in your own strength is unacceptable to God
10) You MUST have the mind of Christ
So realistically in the mind of the pentecostal/charismatic the only person getting into heaven is Jesus, not you. This has to be the case according to the teachings of Paul, you are trash makes it quite clear that the “sinful” will not enter the kingdom of Heaven
There is a point to it…it is about you, being the part of the machine. Born again Christianity is not a fan of individuals. It prefers collective drones with a very rigid authority structure. What they mean by the eradication of the self really means the eradication of your ability to think for yourself, beyond the parameters of the bible and the teachings of the preachers and to question the “god given” authority of the leaders. That is why self in this belief system must be destroyed.
Here is an example of the stupidity of this system of beliefs…
Charlie has been training long and hard to pass an exam. He has revised and revised and revised. It also helps that I love the subject and am very enthusiastic on the subject and works hard to be the best.
He goes to the church on the Sunday morning before the exam and asks for prayer for God to grant him success in the exam. He takes the exams and finishes it with time to spare and feels that he has possible answered all the questions correctly and leaves the examination room feeling very confident indeed, Weeks pass and eventually he get the results. He has not only passed but with a distinction too. All that hard work and hours of revision has paid off. Hour he could of spent out having fun. He goes to church to tell the church of “his” success and is quickly cut down by the pastor. “Glory to God…but just remember young man, it was God who did this, not you! He gave you the power to do this. If you did it in your won strength you would have failed”. Charlie looks bewildered. Well if that was the case God could have done all the revising for me while I went out on the piss. The question is what is the point? Charlie clearly made his own success but it had to be given to a God that did nothing at all to gain the success.
I have come across this many, many times. I have had successes which I have know I had achieved solely by myself based on abilities I have had to train and work hard at only to find that “it wasn’t me, it was God working through me” and to add insult to injury I must thank him for it. This belief system does not want you to take the credit for anything; it really hates “you” despite the claims of it being a religion of love.
Let’s move on to the subject of “love”. A big word in the Christian vocabulary but unfortunately they haven’t a clue how to express it. “I love you in the Lord” is a common saying but what the hell does that really mean? Every church unit has a number of people who need to learn, despite all the “warts”, to get along with each other. I have seen born again Christians do terrible things to each other. I have heard countless stories of behaviour going on in the so called “church of the living God” that would give the heathen a good run for their money. The question is why? A religion, well some of the new testament, that teaches its followers to love one another seems to on so many occasions produce the opposite.
I have seen leaders fall out with each other, sex scandals, financial irregularities, cliques, rebellions and have heard some of the most poisonous remarks made about people. I have to say also that within the movement there are a lot of very nice, well meaning and sincere people who would give you the shirt of their backs (though some I really would not want that!. thank you!) and these are the people who if they lead the church, it would be a much more honest and decent place. The problem is that most churches are lead by the least amongst them. If you think that getting a degree in Bible College
Repression is the word that I now associate with this belief system. I believe that is the reason for the somewhat negative behaviour that goes on inside the four walls of the churches is the repression of the self, the constant closing of doors of opportunity to explore and discover things in life which is blocked time and time again in the name of “becoming more Christ like”. From the pulpit “freedom” is preached “freedom from sin”. Well that all depends on your concept of what is sin. The word freedom is one of the main sales pitches for this movement to its sales base, the “unsaved”. Well ok…the picture I get is freedom, is freedom to choose…good from bad and right from wrong based on my own conscience and empathy with the world I live in. That is not the concept of fundamentalist Christianity, where it is based on the laws of God. So the freedom of the believer is based upon obedience to the rules of the book, the bible. So that is freedom, with parameters or fences based on a moral code given by a “deity” that seems to say one thing but do the opposite. For example “You shall not kill” and jealousy is a bit of a no-no too. However you would think being a God that wants to lead by example, he would practice what he preaches…No way Jose’! He kills at the drop of a hat and if his people just happen to give another deity the eye, they are as good as dead. So even the almighty is a victim of the very belief system he created. That is why there are Pentecostal Christians in every church struggling with “sin” issues. That is a fact as every travelling preacher I have ever seen and heard has always done an altar call for “those in Christ who are struggling with that sin that is binding you and you need a breakthrough tonight”. That machine keeps rolling into town every now and again and I have know Christians for over 20 years who are still struggling with issues they should not be having to struggle with and are crippled by the guilt of not been able to let it go and be more “Christ-like”.
So there you have it…a belief system that tells you that God loves you and wil accept you as you are, then it makes an enemy of your self calling it evil, it has rules that repress the you to such a degree that “sin” is imminent and no matter how you try to “let Jesus in” it is never enough.
Now I look back and wonder about my own struggles, with my “self”, with “sin”, with just not being good enough. I had been accused by many down the years (none more so than my ex wife, who herself was caught in the web and its strange way of thinking) of not giving God my 110% and they were all right, I could not do it. Deep down I believe that despite my many hang ups and quirks, which we all have, I was not an evil person on the inside who was for no fault of my own separated from God as they teach. Again, you have to point to the teachings of Paul and his “original sin” concept for that psychological trap. The thought of someone taking over me to do his “good works” was to be honest, frightening and also for a almighty, all powerful, all knowing god, very unnecessary. He can jsut come down from his throneroom and do it himself....surely?
It got to the point that I used to punish myself because I was just not good enough. Not the man God wanted me to be, not the husband God wanted me to be, not the father God wanted me to be and not the preacher God wanted me to be. Well meaning people in the church all pointed it down to the one thing that I have not “fully” submitted to Jesus and because of this he can’t change me into “superman”. This mode of thought began to trigger bouts of depression and other thoughts that in Christian eyes would be a no-no. They forces began to grow in me and in the end all that was turning up for church and preaching was an empty shell of a man wearing a “Christian” mask. The amounts of times I had come close to breakdowns I could not count.
The self was, according to the preachers, “always being watched by God”. You are watched at work, at rest and at play. When it came to work, I hated the whole concept of work. You end up using all your valuable time to work for another in a situation that favours them much more that you, doing the same old shit day in and day out. However; in the Pentecostal Christian world that is your “mission field”, “your witness for Christ” and you must die to yourself (your own desires and wants) and work for the Lord and he will reward you. I beg to differ…it does however make you a “tither” and keeps the cash flow of the church going and the pastor and his family can continue to live in comfort. The rest side of things was always a battle for me. I wanted to do so much resting and gathering my thoughts but there was never the time to do it as I had the “good Christian” responsibility of being both good husband and good father, none of them I ever became successful at. The play side of things was a controversial thing in the church. I was never happy that I had to give up my favourite pastime, football for God. So I came up with a compromise, I would bring football to God. This was to become an explosive thing. For some reason my”self”, Jesus and football produced became a dangerous mix. I don’t recall ever being this aggressive playing football, but from the first church match to the last the beast would always come out to play. One of the first matches I put the very preacher who “lead me to Christ” on crutches for weeks and the victim list grew and grew as the years passed. My excuse at the time was that I was “free from the fear” but I think I was just one angry puppy, who when chasing a ball turned into a bit of a pit-bull. I saw the football pitch as my means of “letting off the steam” of my entrenched life. My first Pastor refused to go on the pitch with me, my second Pastor played the hard man and threatened to flatten me as he had done a bit of ice hockey…he lasted ten minutes and was off working in his shop for two weeks.
If you hate yourself that much, then this form of Christianity is for you. Given them your undivided attention and you will be their good little drone robot in no time…on yes a holy and obedient drone robot. This system hates you, it sees to kill the real you, bury you in the waters of baptism and turn you into one of their own.
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